And just like that …it was 2016.  Winter was here and I was weeks away from turning 38.  I wasn’t necessarily where I thought I would be in my life but I was happy.  My career was moving ahead at rocket speed, bringing me such personal joy and fulfillment and incredible friendships along the way.  My husband was doing great in his new career and we were planning a Mexican vacation, returning to our honeymoon spot to celebrate our 8th anniversary.

Things were looking good but still no movement on the baby front.  My cycles were regular, my blood work was good and I was down over 25 pounds. I felt and looked better than I had in years but was still not at the right BMI to be treated.  I never heard from or saw the doctor again.  I would get emails and occasional voicemails from the nurse asking me if I wanted to come in to “step on the scale” again.  I kept thinking, “is she for real?” Who would raise their hand and jump at that opportunity.  This is when the frustration began.

I was eating better than ever, working out, lowering my stress level, all things one would encourage and still a stupid number was preventing me from having a family? Screw that.  My husband and I decided to try the old fashioned way.  We stocked up on ovulation test kits with digital blinking smiley faces and for months did our thing.

Month after month I got my period.  It got to the point I would look at the blinking smiley face telling me I was about to ovulate and say to this electronic pee stick “what do you have to smile about?”

I would respond to the nurse’s emails with updates on my weight and work out routines and she would exchange kind words back but never suggested I come in for an appointment to meet with the doctor.  Again, I felt broken.   They promised to help me and take the burden off of me but they left me out to dry.

As the summer ended and it turned to fall I stopped buying the ovulation tests and I felt like I had lost this battle and was on the verge of giving up.  There was a lot of change happening at work that needed my attention so I focused on things I could control, things I could make happen and pushed my tears and sadness down to deal with later.