And just like that it was back to me and the patient portal.

Though all 12 eggs were mature, only 7 fertilized.  Harumph.  This time I decided to forgo the “Maybe Babies” attitude.  It crushed me once before, why do that to myself again?

As the days passed the numbers continued to dwindle.  By the time we were ready to send embryos to PGS testing, we only had 2.  Less than the previous round.

During all of this waiting time, I was packing and planning a trip to Israel for work.  This is by far, one of the best perks of my job.  An annual trip to Israel, my favorite place, with some of my favorite coworkers.  How lucky was I?

I was in the Uber on the way to the airport.  I was flying by myself and meeting my coworkers in Tel Aviv the next day.  Minutes away from Newark Airport I got the call.  The call I dreaded.  It was my amazing Dr. sounding somber and sad.  My two hopeful embryos tested abnormal like the round before.  Again, I was left with nothing.  We both confessed how sad and disappointed we were and she promised me she wasn’t giving up yet.  She wished me a safe trip and we made plans to meet when I returned home.

Calling Marc and my parents was awful.  They, of course, were as sad as I was but they feared me traveling to Israel and being away from them for a week.  They were right to feel that way.  I cried the entire 11-hour flight.  I cried myself to sleep every night in Israel and struggled to get out of the fog in my head and enjoy my favorite place.  For the first time, Israel didn’t calm me down or make me feel whole.  I longed for NJ.  I longed for a hug from my husband.  I longed to not go to sleep alone.

Towards the end of my trip I visited the Kotel (Western Wall) in Jerusalem.  Not only is this the holiest site in Judaism, but my personal favorite spot in Israel.  I touched the stone and prayed to g-d to give me the strength to get through whatever it was that I needed to on this journey.  I prayed that I would be blessed with a child as the tears rolled down my face.